Actual hand nicknames:
88- Snowmen

JJ- Hooks

77- Hockey sticks

QQ- Pair of Queens, AKA Siegfried and Roy

KK- Cowboys, AKA pair of cowboys, or Brokeback Mountain

AK- Anna Kournikova – looks good, but it never wins

AK is Big Slick Which makes 69, anyone, Bueller?… Big Lick

5T- Woolworth (5 and dime)
T4- Good buddy
89- Oldsmobile
J5- Motown, Jackson 5
Flat tire- “What’s a J4?”
Q3- Gay waiter (queen with a trey)
95- Dolly Parton- (you’d think Dolly Parton would be a big pair)

JK off suit- called the Bachelor Hand (Jack King off)

My suggestions:
KQ suited- Marriage
KQ off suit- Mixed Marriage? Can’t play that hand at Bob Jones University.

Mount Zion Ranch (polygamists in TX)- K with 7 Qs?
If you make that hand- they know you’re cheating, and the Texas Rangers bust in.

32- Should call it OJ. It’s his jersey number.
Can’t play those cards- that hand will KILL you!

82- Andy Dick- because it sucks.

TT- Tina Turner, because it’s strong and appealing, but has a history of being beaten.

45 suited- Britney Spears- nice to look at, but it’s basically trash.

68- Meatloaf- after all of these years, I can’t believe people still play it.

72- heard referred to as the Beer hand- time to fold and get a beer
Is there a pot hand?
I would like to know what the pastrami on rye hand is.

AKQJT- called Broadway
Which is ironic, because it’s a straight. What’s less straight than Broadway?

This is true: Mario Cantone (openly gay) was playing in Celebrity Poker.
He lost with 2Qs against a straight.

62- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog- it’s a good hand… FOR ME TO POOP ON!

Plato
He gave us the concept of “forms,” which are everlasting. A table will come and go, but the “form” table will last forever. And he’s also famous for the Plato Fun Factory.
He lived from 424-348 BC. He must have wondered: What are we counting down to?

Epicureans
Had little interest in logic. Like Fundamentalists.
Interested in senses, especially interested in avoiding pain.
Heavy emphasis on static pleasures like calm. So they were like Hedonist-Lite.

Hedonism
Pleasure is the most important pursuit. They says that pleasure alone makes life worth living.
“Pleasure alone?” Now “pleasure alone” I understand.
I’m not a lonely road comic, I’m a hedonist!

A hedonist strives to maximize this “total pleasure” (pleasure minus pain).
This math gets very tricky for the hedonistic masochists…

Every action should aim to maximize pleasure. This is WAY better than Catholicism.

And if you have HEdonism, you’ve got to have a SHEdonism.
In Shedonism you get pleasure too, it just takes longer to get there, and there’s a lot of guilt involved.

Relativism
That’s when you believe whatever your Grandpa says.
My own theory of relativity: If “t” if the time you spend with the lunatic parts of your family, 3t is what it FEELS like.

Buddhism
Marshmallows have a Buddhist quality.
If you leave a whole bunch of them in a bag for a long time- they become one again.

I met a Buddhist. It’s a hard concept for a Westerner. “So, we’re all one? I’m you and you’re me?” I tweaked my own breast and said “How does this feel?”

Agnosticism
Atheism with no balls.

Anarchism
No government. I see skate rat kids wearing anarchy T-shirts.
Well I can tell you this- with no government or social order, there’s nobody to build that skate park you’re in there, tough guy.

Against coercion and authority- government is the principal expression.
What are they so worried about? That someone will pull up their pants?

Nihilism
Rejection of all traditional values.
I thought that was called liberalism.

For them: Human existence is without objective meaning, purpose, or value. Enjoy those Corn Flakes America!

All knowledge is impossible
I’ve felt that way when I was trying to hook up the Tivo to the cable and the TV.

Marxism
Class struggle is what drives historical change
Great ideas: FROM each according to his means, TO each according to his needs.
But I think you have to reward people for good ideas and hard work, and I think life should be fun. So I’m more of a GROUCHO Marxist.

I just want to write a good joke about Cuba:
People say you can’t buy Cuban cigars- they’re communists.
Yeah well- the ashtray was made in China…

The Marx Bros. all grew up with the real last name Marx, and they changed their first names for show business.
Groucho was Julius. Harpo’s real name was Adolph. Can you imagine? Adolph Marx. That’s fun on the playground.
The weird thing- he had 3 middle names: Stalin, Hussein and Obama.

Hoover Dam
There were 112 deaths associated with the construction of the Hoover dam.
The dam provides power for Las Vegas, so these guys quite literally died for our sins.
They didn’t turn water into wine, but they DID turn water into electricity.

Mount Rushmore
4 Presidents- I say there’s a drop off to the 4th guy.
Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson- solid. Then Teddy Roosevelt. He’s not even the best Roosevelt. He’s third behind Franklin and Eleanor.
At the time there was a plan to add Susan B Anthony. But Anthony supporters nixed the plan, preferring instead to see her face on coins you only get in post offices.

Grand Canyon
The consensus among geologists: the Grand Canyon has developed over the past 40 million years.
I don’t feel so bad when it takes me two weeks to write a good joke.
Theodore Roosevelt was big on preservation of the Grand Canyon area, and visited it on numerous occasions to enjoy the scenery and hunt.
That’s the way you build consensus- you preserve stuff from business interests like a Democrat, and then shoot stuff like a Republican.

Empire State Building
Originally the top was to be a blimp docking point. But it proved to be too dangerous. You know, because of King Kong.

Liberty Bell in Philly
Has a crack- how perfect for the symbol of liberty?
People think it was it was temperature- no, it cracked under the pressure of Philly fans booing it.

Lincoln Memorial
On the day he was shot the body guard who was supposed to be behind him was next door having a beer. You think it sucks to be Bill Buckner…
How did that guy ever get a job again? “What was your last job?…”
I’ve screwed up at work before, but I never got brains on the chair.

Speaking of large man-made landmarks, let’s not forget…
Pamela Anderson
Or as the Native Americans call her- Grand Tetons.
She’s actually Canadian originally. I give her breasts an “Eh.”
How appropriate that she has DUAL citizenship.

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
Closes daily at 5:30pm. Is that when Jimi Hendrix was closing up shop?
Hanson stayed up until 9.

Native American Indian Museum in DC
Have to move it to Oklahoma to make room for the Christopher Columbus Museum.

Alcatraz
Known as “The Rock.” Now that’s it’s been in movies, it wants to be called Dwayne Johnson.

Statue of Liberty
Gift from the French- I’m Greek- I keep thinking of the Trojan horse.
Somewhere in there there’s a bunch of French soldiers waiting to jump out and surrender.

Can no longer go up into the Statue- but a glass ceiling in the pedestal allows for views of the iron framework. You can’t go in her, but you can look up her skirt? Sounds like a rule at a gentlemen’s club.
I think it’s funny that there’s a GLASS CEILING in a statue representing liberty.

In 1965 the Black Liberation Front planned to destroy the statue.
The group changed their name from Black Liberation Terrorists when they realized nobody took them seriously as BLT.